12 March 2009

i don't want to be a girlfriend....

because then my opinions will only be as valid as yours
because I would rather be known as me, not your girlfriend
because I don't want you to be my only friend
because I don't want to get stale
because I don't want you getting in the way of what I have to do
because relationships don't mean shit anymore
because I don't want to have to change my FB status
because I'm not going to let you pay for all my dinners
because I like seeing movies with my girlfriends more
because I think I'm prettier than you deserve
because I'm not inclined to holding hands in public
because I don't like sharing my bed
because I don't need you to comfort me when I feel sad
because I don't want to deal with your parents
because I don't want to hear about your exes
because I don't want to cook dinner with you everynight
because I don't want to turn down a party to stay home when you're sick
because I don't want to give up my social life
because I don't need a man to tell me how to behave
because being your girlfriend is like putting down my fists and submitting

I'm fed up with men thinking that relationships have to exist on the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' level. Relationships should be mutual and I would prefer to be a partner in them. The minute we label our significant others based on gender is the minute we undermine them. I guess that brief rant was very personal and a little bit bitter but I think those sentiments apply to all the situations I have been in lately. Anyone?

Submitted by Stephanie Christiano, via Facebook

Responses from Facebook--> Keep it going, keep it going!:

Keri:
It's funny, I've been thinking about the difference between the labels and meeting associated with the "boyfriend/girlfriend" dynamic a lot lately.
Mind if I post this on the blog?

Stephanie:
go for it.

it's all semantics, the idea of a label. if i call someone my 'boyfriend' i'm inclined to be faithful. If not, it's fair game and vice versa for him. But then there's double standards that are imposed upon us, even in the progressive community, that the label girlfriend only perpetuates.

Arjun:
i agree. i hated being a boyfriend. i'd rather just be somebody's friend. just feel, don't label. i like feeling strongly about people, but i want to be me. not yours. or his. or hers. it's amazing how a label changes things, but it's more amazing how a person's feelings change because of the labels applied to them. not necessarily in a good way.

Erika:
Oddly enough, I'm a person who actually likes labels to a certain extent -- it makes things easier to define. My relationship is pretty much a classic, monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and I call it that.However, if people don't wish to define their relationships in a certain way I don't think anything should get in their way, societal expectations included :)

Rachael:
I think what rings true the most to me about the boyfriend/girlfriend label dilemma is that it is a double edged, hard sword to swallow. It's one of those things that I KNOW should not care about... I'm not a big fan of defining my relationships with people against the framework of dominant society because its foundation is a hollow pit filled with all the dead, white penises of the past, BUT it's this same bankrupt, vapid society that makes me yearn for some sort of title, award, button, "I Voted" sticker... SOMETHING that proves to the world that despite my mostly self-perpetuated, incredibly deep-rooted insecurities and apparent shortcomings, I AM worth it to someone. I guess my unwanted desire to call someone my "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" probably just stems from an overall paranoia of existing in this society all alone and being eaten by the voracious wolves we call contemporary culture... Oh, and Tyra.




7 comments:

  1. This entire list is based on the OP's own personal insecurities, decisions, and emotions; all of which she has total control of.

    The fact that she feel's the need to write this list, or that any of the thing's on it are even an issue, is a testament to her own mental weakness and illogicality.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i think that's bullshit. should she drop her entire life so that she can be someone's item? How is being in a relationship where the boundaries are set in stone and constantly broken 'logical'. And who said that monogamy was logical? You're thinking in the terms of what society tells is 'right' and 'wrong'. I think that the OP sounds hurt but I don't think she sounds weak. I think she looks weak because it's hard to fight the system alone. It wears you down.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "i think that's bullshit. should she drop her entire life so that she can be someone's item?"

    No, she shouldn't. My point was it was her own decision to put herself in that situation. The only person responsible for her angst is herself.

    "How is being in a relationship where the boundaries are set in stone and constantly broken 'logical'. And who said that monogamy was logical? You're thinking in the terms of what society tells is 'right' and 'wrong'."

    You're first 2 statements have nothing to do with my post...You're completely mistaken. I'm not endorsing the "typical relationship" as defined by our society. I said she was illogical because she's complaining about things she has complete control over.

    Maybe I can just go through each one and demonstrate:

    because then my opinions will only be as valid as yours

    -This is an artificial boundary she set for herself. If you believe this you are weak.

    because I would rather be known as me, not your girlfriend

    -Another limitation she put on herself . If you want to be known as an independent person, step up and do so. It has nothing to do with your significant other unless you let it.

    because I don't want you to be my only friend

    -This one speaks for itself. If you want to hang out with friends, do it. If your BF is somehow limiting your access to your other friends, your the one allowing it.

    because I don't want to get stale

    -She's attempting to blame him for her own personal insecurities?

    because I don't want you getting in the way of what I have to do

    -Then don't. Have some backbone.

    because relationships don't mean shit anymore

    -More crying. Relationships are what you make of them.

    because I don't want to have to change my FB status

    -Why would you have to do this anyway? Are you that much of a slave to social websites?

    because I'm not going to let you pay for all my dinners

    -Then pay for yourself. This is the recurring theme. "I make decisions that hurt my self confidence, regret it, then cry about it"

    because I like seeing movies with my girlfriends more

    -Then go.

    because I think I'm prettier than you deserve

    -Attempting to boost self confidence.

    because I'm not inclined to holding hands in public

    -Then don't.

    because I don't like sharing my bed

    -Then don't

    because I don't need you to comfort me when I feel sad

    -Then don't go crying to him about your problems.

    because I don't want to deal with your parents

    -Dumb.

    because I don't want to hear about your exes

    -Then say so.

    because I don't want to cook dinner with you everynight

    -Then don't.

    because I don't want to turn down a party to stay home when you're sick

    -Then just go to the party. I bet if the situation was opposite you'd be expecting him to stay home with you.

    because I don't want to give up my social life

    -It's your choice to give up your social life. If you try to define your existence through your relationships, that's your own choice.

    because I don't need a man to tell me how to behave

    -You need to stop crying, get some backbone, and think with logic

    because being your girlfriend is like putting down my fists and submitting

    -Because for whatever reason, when your in a relationship you decide put down your fists and submit.

    That last line alone is all the evidence you need. She's weak.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You think she has complete control over them. In principal, she may. But in practice, it's always completely different. Until men start to realize the way they inadvertently marginalize women (even the ones they care for), it's just going to continue happening. It's a lot harder to stand up and be strong. I think that's what she meant. By just saying that she places herself in that position, you are essentially holding her responsible for her own oppression. She's not playing the victim. She's saying, if this is what 'girlfriend' means, I don't want it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's not what girlfriend means, it's what she allowed it to mean. You can easily be in a relationship without submitting to every whim of the other. And if that's what the other demands, then you simply leave them. It's that simple. No one is forcing you to be in a situation like that except yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was going to talk about Foucault, but decided to quote Wikipedia instead:

    In the Panopticon, a single guard can watch over many prisoners while the guard remains unseen. The dark dungeon of pre-modernity has been replaced with the bright modern prison, but Foucault cautions that "visibility is a trap". It is through this visibility, Foucault writes, that modern society exercises its controlling systems of power and knowledge (terms which Foucault believed to be so fundamentally connected that he often combined them in a single hyphenated concept, "power-knowledge"). Increasing visibility leads to power located on an increasingly individualized level, shown by the possibility for institutions to track individuals throughout their lives. Foucault suggests that a "carceral continuum" runs through modern society, from the maximum security prison, through secure accommodation, probation, social workers, police, and teachers, to our everyday working and domestic lives. All are connected by the (witting or unwitting) supervision (surveillance, application of norms of acceptable behaviour) of some humans by others.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Agree with Crom. Yes, there are men out there who want their 'girlfriends' to be a certain way. And there are women our there who want to act that way. They made that choice. You can make your own choice and be your own woman. No one's stopping you. I personally would much prefer a woman with a spine and some emotional confidence than a whiny baby that needed taking care of. That said, I don't see any reason why two people can't choose to tell each other that they care about them first and foremost, because at the end of the we all want to feel special. Nothing wrong with that, and if the person who makes me feel special is sick, I would stay home with her. That I believe is called compassion, it has nothing to do with being a good boyfriend/girlfriend. I think people need to start realizing that 'society' isn't defining anything for you... you are this 'society' that we all love to hate.

    ReplyDelete